To Mssrs. Monson, Uchtdorf, Eyring: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has failed me.

To the Corporation of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints,

            Mssrs. Monson, Uchtdorf, Eyring,

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints failed me.

It failed me, it failed my family. It failed millions of people all around the world. And what’s most disturbing is that it doesn’t care. It has merely offered excuses, clarification, and equivocations. 

The church failed me as a child in primary. It taught me to pray to a god without evidence that one exists. It taught me to interpret my own feelings for their gain. It taught me to pay 10% of my money, every dollar, to pay for living expenses of leadership, malls, and lavish temples in third world countries. It taught me to blindly repeat that god loved me and Joseph Smith was a prophet, though it offered no evidence or reason.

When I was a young woman, the church failed me. It taught me that I was responsible for impure thoughts in young men. It taught me to prepare myself for marriage, to be a wife and mother. It taught me that that would be my greatest achievement. It discouraged me from a career, from a good education. It failed me by teaching me to hate myself for being a woman. It taught me to feel shame about my breasts and my legs and my hips and my butt. It restricted my curiosity, my activities, my dress, my friendships.  It failed me.

The church failed me as a woman in college. It robbed me of normal relationships and experiences.  It taught me my education was meaningless unless I ascribed it to deity. It taught me only to learn the things that were church approved. And that a woman’s main goal was to marry and bear children. It taught me this, and so my education fell by the wayside, as I instead decided to marry and follow the prophet’s counsel.

When I contemplated marriage, the church failed me. It gave me a patriarchal blessing that told me to marry quickly. It required weekly chastity checkups with an unqualified lay bishop, who would probe about my sexual activity. It failed me in my wedding, keeping the majority of my family out of my marriage ceremony. It failed me on my wedding night. It taught me to be ashamed of my sexuality and uncomfortable with intimacy. It failed me in my marriage, teaching me to be a subservient and silent partner. It failed me physically and mentally, telling me to have children before I was prepared. 

The church failed me financially. Telling me to not put off having children, and to stay home to raise them. It failed me when because of this I had to quit my job and go on welfare and it still required I pay tithing. It failed me when we had to eat Raman and choose between toothpaste and shampoo so we could pay our tithing.

The church failed me when I was lost. When I was discouraged. When I was earnestly seeking answers. It told me by way of the members that I was the problem. That I didn’t have enough faith. That I had lost the spirit somehow. It failed me as it shamed me for my honest doubts and questions. It rebuked me for wondering. It called me a sinner, an apostate, a sign seeker, a “Korihor” as I sought answers to my questions. The church failed me when I was in Utah and I contacted the office of the first presidency. It failed me when I was taught my worth was great, and I was told there were 15 million other members and they didn’t have time for me. It failed me when I sat crying in the temple listening to the temple worker tell me my eternal destiny was a crapshoot. That the best there was for me was to never be heard of again. To be a second rate deity, eternally birthing babies and receiving no glory, no credit, no prayers or communication from my children. Always deferring to the male. 

It failed me as a mother. It failed me as a wife. It failed me as a woman. It failed me.

The church not only failed me, it destroyed me. It destroyed many of my family relationships. For as I began to question, they began to look at me differently. They withdrew. They accused me of horrific things, like adultery and promiscuity. They ignored me or argued with me. These members of the church of Christ, became some of my greatest enemies. Judging and name calling. How could this possibly be a church of Christ of a benevolent god? It failed me in my family.

The church failed me. The church failed itself. But will it ever acknowledge it? No. Because has it actually failed? Perhaps ethically, but financially? It has done very well conning people like me out of thousands, out of millions of dollars. It preys upon the weak minded, the lonely, the lost, the desperate, and the charitable. It preys upon the faithful earnestly seeking a god. It preys upon children. It preys upon mothers and fathers. It ruins lives. It creates anguish and turmoil. It breeds unrest and unhappiness. It councils marriage before it ever counsels compatibility. It sexually represses and creates a culture of rape and sexual addiction. It ignores real problems and shames biology. It has a central membership addicted to narcotics, tranquilizers and SSRIs. It controls women. It absolutely controls women and absolves men from responsibility for their thoughts and actions. 

This church is a destructive force in humanity. I can’t help but wonder how the leaders live with themselves. I wonder how they can feel good about taking poor people’s money. I wonder how they can function knowing that god doesn’t exist and still take advantage of so many that have been blinded by inherited and conditioned loyalty? I really, truly don’t understand how they can tell boldfaced lies and think it will go unnoticed? How they can fail so many people who are different, how they can feel good that homosexual and transgender members are ostracized and committing suicide because of their teachings? It is disgusting; they have failed those poor souls as well.

This church has failed. It has failed in so many ways. And so long as I exist I will bear the scars of that failure in my every day life. As my parents weep for my eternal soul, as my siblings converse in hushed tones about my apostasy, as my children are excluded from the family for being raised by my husband and myself , for we saw through the lie. Our world was ripped apart, torn from beneath our feet. Our faith destroyed. Our hopes and dreams dashed. We were betrayed. We were lied to. We were robbed. We were failed. 

You have failed us.

And so I hereby resign my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, effective immediately, and request you to remove my name permanently from your membership records. I wish no further contact from representatives of your church except to confirm that my name has been removed from your records. I expect to receive that confirmation within a reasonably short time. I am fully aware that by resigning my temple ordinances are suspended. They are constructed by man, and therefore of little consequence to me. No meeting with local leaders or waiting period is necessary. I am of sound mind, and you have no legal right to retain my membership.

I expect this matter to be handled promptly, with respect and with full confidentiality. You will not contact my family about my resignation. If you contact my family or my local leaders, you will have invaded my privacy. You will send any necessary letters confirming my membership and my children’s membership termination directly to me and no one else. 

I sincerely hope as a concerned, fellow human, that you will reconsider what you are doing. That you will wake up from this damned delusion and start doing good rather than committing atrocities. The world does not revolve around your chauvinism, bigotry, hate and fear. Stop acting like it. Make a choice. Make a choice to do right by humanity. Do not fail what is left of your members. Do right by them by telling them the truth and let them decide for themselves if they will stay to help the church change or leave and be free from the deception and lies. 

Best Wishes,

Sara-Helen Davis

No God, No Point, right?

I've been thinking about something lately.

There have been several people who have pitied me in my lack of faith and doubt in the existence of a benevolent, or evil, god. They say, why does it matter (existence I presume) or I feel sorry for you, it must be a very sad and dark world you live in.

You know? I used to think that as well. I used to feel that godless folk were to be pitied. That they were amoral, and depressed and had no real meaning or light in their lives.

When we first moved to Iowa, my husband had a friend who was just one such godless individual. Nick would invite him over for dinner, or just to hang out because he didn't have any friends or family around. But this man, was an apostate. And so I looked at him through a lens of anger. I was always suspicious of his motives. He'd bring chocolates to share and I'd wonder why. I was always wary of what he was saying (would he curse at any moment and offend my ears?) I thought the worst of him, because he was an apostate, someone who had willfully left the church and spoken against it. He was always a very gracious guest, he would bring gifts to thank us for letting him use our washing machine, and he always made sure to tell me how good dinner was. But, how could anyone who turned away from god actually want to be nice for being nice's sake? And so I remained suspicious, and angry, and annoyed at his presence. How could anyone actually be happy without god?

I am ashamed. I am so ashamed that I ever thought that way of this person. My religion taught me to be fearful of people like him. To question their motives, because without god, you could not be moral. Without god, you could not be happy. It was impossible. You lived in a dark chasm of depression without god. I was sure of it.


Now, a couple years later, my views have changed.

I realize I grew up in a very small world. In a very sheltered world. Most of the beauty of humanity was hid from me, disguised as evil. My religion forbade me from exploring and experiencing. It even restricted what sort of information I learned. It told me how much time I could spend on the computer, it told me how much time I should devote to my religious studies. It praised me for hours on my knees and reprimanded me for hours in Harry Potter. It reminded me that morality is from god, and people cannot be good without him. Anything not of god is of the devil. Including academic achievements of your own merit.

Another example, I have always been a lover of music. And weird as it may sound, motion picture score music. James Horner, John Williams, Jerry Goldsmith and Hans Zimmer were some of my favorites. And I remember as a child laying on the floor of my bedroom listening to the end credits of Apollo 13 and getting those same chills I would get during an especially spiritual event in sacrament meeting. I remember thinking there was beauty in the music by a man who wasn't a member of the Mormon Church. And that I would feel "the spirit" when I listened to it. As a girl, it confused me. But now I realize, it wasn't the spirit at all. It was me, my own reaction to beauty.

In the church, you are conditioned to feel a certain way. You are conditioned to think something is spiritually beautiful and moving. And you will have a real biological response, some people describe it as chills, or a burning in the bosom, because you are told you will fell it. The thing is, if you've ever been carried away in the spirit of a concert, or a football game, or love making, you will probably feel those exact same feelings. Though you might not realize it, or make the connection, if you have been conditioned to think that response is external (from god), and not internal (your biology).

So when I realized this, and began to embrace life without the church, I began to see things in a different light. I realized the scope of my depression within the church. Self hating for sins and mistakes. Self loathing for impure and ungodly thoughts. Self pitying for lack of acceptable talents. Always feeling badly, never feeling I was good enough. Always worrying about my eternal future. Would I make it to the highest degree of the celestial kingdom? Or would I fail? Would I lose my family? It was an ongoing battle in my head, always fearful of my eternal destiny. And always hating it because, well, I am female. The eternal destiny for a woman in the Mormon church is quite a depressing one: to eternally birth babies, but to never have contact with them, to never be praised for their achievements, and to never be heard of again. To be chauvinistically "protected" as an exalted being made absolutely no sense.

As soon as I opened myself up to the possibility that god wasn't real, and the Mormon church was just another religion created by man for the monetary gain of it's leaders (and the hero worship isn't such a bad thing either), I began to view humanity in a very different light. People who were without god were good people. They were kind, they had hopes and dreams, they had feelings and regrets. Just like me. I didn't realize that I had been viewing humanity so negatively until I removed myself from that god-driven mindset. Really, at the time I thought I was having righteous thoughts about my husband's friend. How insane is that? To view someone with so much anger, and think it was from a benevolent god?

Coming back to my original idea, because I tend to run away with my thoughts, if there is no god, then what's the point? And how can I be a happy person without god?

My life is not the dark chasm I always envisioned it would be without a god. Quite frankly, I'm very upset and offended when people think I am a person to pity, and what a sad existence I have now. No! I am happy! Happier than I have ever been, and no, it's not an illusion to get you to join me in my misery. I am happy being me. Not having to live up to impossible standards only to ultimately fail and not be exalted. Not having to succumb to discriminating viewpoints about groups of people because it is what the "Brethren" want. I'm happy enjoying coffee in the morning. I'm happy with my multiple piercings. I'm happy making new friends and learning about new cultures. I'm happy living for me, in this moment, not focusing on an ever elusive eternal destiny for which there is no evidence. Relationships are more important to me because they won't last. Experiences hold more meaning because they may not come again. Humanity is beautiful because we have achieved so many things, and we have done them without GOD. We are special, we are beautiful, we are amazing and we don't need a supernatural force to make this so. We can be happy and fulfilled because we WANT to be. Because WE EXIST.

So please, do not pity my godless existence. Do not lament my lack of godless morality. The Christian god murdered babies, encouraged slavery and chauvinism, hates gays and their children, and brainwashes you into an endless cycle of sin, self hate, and humiliation. I have no god. The only person I am accountable to is myself, and I have a high standard to live up to. Not for some eternal reward, but because it is what I want for myself.

Why I think the leaders of the LDS Church made a mistake.

These last few days have been very tumultuous for me. And if you are Mormon, or know what Mormon is, you probably understand why.

There have been a lot of arguments, from both sides of a very shocking policy change regarding homosexual couples and their children by the Mormon church.

Aren't familiar? The Mormons, or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, recently instituted a change in their official policy regarding the children of same-sex unions: they are not allowed the blessing with a name in infancy which would add their name to church records or the ordinance with baptism which would confirm their membership in the church.

Why? That has been the big debate. Church apologists and sympathizers maintain it is in an effort of love. That it is for the protection of these delicate children, to not confuse them or ask them to choose between their family and God at a young and vulnerable age. Once they are 18, they are permitted to petition the First Presidency for membership, providing they disavow their parent's union in writing.

Critics of the policy maintain this is not protection at all, as they ultimately will choose their family or the church and have to disavow the family they were reared in. At 14 or at 18, it is a devastating choice to make simply to be counted with god's sheep.

Apologists then say they know the prophet speaks for god and this new policy comes by revelation. Strangely, critics remember certain passages of scripture that are in direct conflict with this new policy.

"Suffer the little children to come unto me and forbid them not"Christ said. He often said to become as a little child as well. Forbidding children entrance into the church goes against Christ's counsel. LDS members believe man will be punished for his own sins, and not for Adam's transgression. The doctrine that ensues is that children cannot be held accountable for their parents actions. They believe each person is responsible for their own actions and in charge of their own agency. Not allowing children of gay individuals membership is in direct conflict with this doctrine.

Then the LDS members call for a cease fire. To be allowed to worship however they like, and to not have their faith attacked. They ask to step off social media and embrace our fellow man physically.

This one bothers me significantly. In an age of media, it is just not realistic. Social media is how we communicate in the modern age. You can't just hop on a plane to visit someone you would like to speak to, or go door to door sharing your ideas. Social media is how we learned about this new policy in the first place. It was never meant to be shared. There was no official statement or declaration. It was meant to be quietly, perhaps secretly, added to the official handbook and children of gay parents would learn upon requesting membership they were not eligible. How devastating would that be? To have found faith only to be denied entrance into the kingdom of god simply because of your parentage?

I began thinking about why this policy was instated for myself. Why would the church want to deny these children membership? Was it because they were afraid members would begin to see homosexuality as normal? Did the believe these kids would have a negative influence? Silly reasons, but entirely plausible when you consider the context. Then it dawned on me. When I read that they were even denied a blessing and name in the church, it became clear.

When a child receives a name and blessing in the LDS church, their name is added to the official church record. They are not an official member yet, but they are on the record. And so are their parents. That was it. If they blessed the infant of a gay couple, that gay couple would need to be listed as parents. And then a church that maintains homosexuality is a sin, and only traditional marriage is sanctioned of god, would have a gay union on their official records. It would go completely against a doctrine they have been defending with great zeal for several years.

Then I began thinking about the apology that it is for the child's protection, and they are more mature at 18 and better able to decide if they want to become a member. Children born into the church, or who arrive in the gospel by way of heterosexual parentage, are eligible for baptism at the age of accountability, which is referenced in the Book of Mormon as age 8. I remember being 8, and then as an adult interacting with 8 year olds. Some of them still believe in Santa Claus, and most of them still play make believe. How is this appropriate to ask an 8 year old from a heterosexual union, or single parent home, to make this decision when you say a child of a gay union is not capable of it? If this is the argument, the First Presidency should come out with an official declaration indicating all members must be at least 18 or older in order to be granted baptism in the church.

Through all of this, I have had many negative interactions. Sharing my views has only been offensive to people defending the faith. Stating facts have been misconstrued as scorn and insults. I spoke to one person who said this revelation came from god about Blacks and the priesthood. He told me I insulted him by saying Blacks weren't denied the priesthood in the early church, because it went against god's will. I admit, I have been very confused by people's reactions. By their extreme loyalty and sometimes ill placed justifications of how this doesn't actually harm. I've also had many conversations with my LGBTQ friends. Not one of them welcomed this policy. Every single one of them was saddened, offended, and discouraged. How can this truly be a policy of love when it is hurting so many people it would directly affect? We've heard so many apologies from straight members. We've seen one apology from a gay member, but I believe this poor brother has been so brainwashed into believing his biologic condition is truly a sin, that he has no choice but to defend the Brethren.

The bottom line for me? I don't think god exists. And I've received a lot of flack for it in my view of this new policy. I've had members ask me why it matters if god doesn't exist? Tell me I have no right to have an option since I don't believe. The bottom line is I EXIST. At least I think I do. And WE exist. Just because I don't think god exists doesn't mean I am heartless. Doesn't mean I think we should commit mass suicide because life is pointless. Here we are. We exist. I think we should work on building each other up, including everyone, being kind and compassionate without the promise of an eternal reward no one has any evidence of. I am kind because I want to be. I am mean because I want to be. I don't have an invisible entity pushing me along in my actions. So why does it matter? Because I want it to. And the wellbeing of my gay friends and their families is important to me. They deserve happiness and fair treatment. They deserve all of the privileges and right I enjoy. And while I don't agree with the Church, they deserve to worship god in it if they want to.

Please, take a moment and read the sad responses from members and nonmembers alike who are upset, confused, betrayed, and saddened. Do not sit in your tower glowering down at everyone who has been negatively impacted thinking they simply don't have enough faith. And that you just know that the prophet is right. It was meant to be secret. Remember that. And remember, no one is responsible for your choices but you. You wouldn't want your life opportunities to be dictated by someone else's actions. Don't enforce that on others, just because you don't agree with the sexuality of their parents. We don't choose our parents. We don't always choose our circumstances. But we do choose how we react. And how we move forward.

I propose we stand up against this policy that supports a hateful attitude and work towards being loving and inclusive. Not blind and exclusive. These are real people, real families, real LOVE. And there are people being hurt by the LDS prejudice and blind loyalty. Let's help put a stop to it.