The Curious Case of Enduring to the End

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

Mormon Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8

I used to think it was a virtue to endure pain and suffering. I used to think it made you a good person to silently battle the trials god would send your way. Bad things were the refiner's fire, as taught in Malachi 3, or 3 Nephi 24 (because Joseph Smith loved to copy from  the Bible).

At the very beginning of my faith crisis, I remember having a conversation with my mom about my grandpa, her dad. The end of his life was sad, he had just recently lost his only son, his health and mind were failing. He had moved away from his home to be closer to his son, and was now alone. Just he and his wife. My mom was still in Alaska. 

He was old. My grandpa was in his 80's when he passed away. I don't remember if it was a stroke or a heart attack, but it was traumatic. My husband and I had literally arrived at my home in Alaska hours before when my mother frantically began packing a suitcase and asked my dad to take her to the airport. She flew down to St George, and was able to be with him for a few hours before they took him off life support.

So in this conversation my mom and I had, we talked about my grandpa's last few hours. And how scary they must have been. And how terrible it was he was forced to live it out until his last breath. He didn't die right away. After he was taken off of life support, which he requested, he struggled for breath. He gasped. He choked. He suffered. Until the last moment, he suffered. There was no dignity. No peace. 

I wonder now though, if he felt he was doing the right thing, or if he felt god and his angles were with him. My grandpa was a very devout man, baptized into Mormonism later in life, but stalwart nonetheless. 

Regardless, in my mind, what he was forced to endure was cruel. Even my mom, a true believing Mormon, agreed with me. Though I know she has her reservations, she doesn't believe in needless suffering.

So why is it that Mormons believe so strongly in the doctrine of enduring to the end? Why do they have this complex of suffering? Why do they seemingly welcome trials?

I remember in Sunday school many years ago seeing a painting, with one man surrounded by devils and another man having only one devil. The story went that the man with many devils was the more righteous man because he couldn't be swayed, while the other man with one devil was easily swayed. Mormons believe the more righteous you are, the more trouble you will face from mortality and the adversary (Mormon's way of saying Satan). The more trials you receive, the more god loves you. 

I now think this cruel. To tell someone suffering that this is god's way of showing his love, its just cruel. Mormons get around the unfairness of it all by saying god knows each person individually, and therefore knows what trials they need to become exalted in the hereafter. For one person, their child must die from cancer. For another person, they must be wealthy and humble at the same time. There is such a dissonance between what people are "called upon" to endure, it makes absolutely no sense. Mormon's believe before mortality, in the preexistence, people were of different calibers of righteousness. And while they don't believe that anyone is punished for their premortal mistakes, they sometimes will say of a child that died too soon "they were too perfect". In Mormonism, children that die before baptism, which takes place at the age of 8, are saved automatically in god's kingdom. So in some ways, dying as a child is a merciful thing. And families use it as motivation to more fully live the gospel, so they can be saved right along side their child.

For Mormons, suffering is a virtue. Suffering quietly is godlike. When you are called upon to bear a burden such as terminal cancer, you must do so with a smile on your face. You must continue to have faith and be charitable and kind. You must not complain. Complaining shows a lack of trust in god, and weakness of the flesh. You may not understand why god has asked you to endure this, but you understand he knows better than you, and this is for your own good. You may receive blessings on healing, and they may or may not come true. If they come true it was god's will, if they don't, it was god's will. It's always god's will.  If you pray in faith to be healed and you are, your faith was sufficient. If you pray in faith and die, maybe your faith wasn't sufficient. Or maybe that wasn't god's plan. It always, no matter what, ends up in god's favor.

My original idea for this post certainly got away from me.....I meant to talk about euthanasia, and went in a whole different direction. 

I'd still like to touch on that. For my grandpa, when my mom and I talked about it, she didn't readily admit it, but we both came to the conclusion it was cruel and wrong to make him gasp until his last breath. That it would have been so much kinder to just put him to sleep. Mormons don't believe in euthanasia. They believe all life is in god's hands and sacred. They believe the body is a temple, and that we should not intentionally harm or destroy it. Intentionally causing death, like euthanasia, is against god's commandments. But pulling the plug and letting them suffer into death, that is okay.

When I worked lived in Utah, I met a woman who was due to have her baby the exact same day as me. We joked that we would be fighting over our doctor's time in the hospital. One day, I learned that her baby had a congenital defect, and would not live. She was given the option to abort, or let her pregnancy play out as long as it would. If she were to abort, she would have the option of seeing her baby alive, because they would deliver it within the amniotic sac. If she let it die in utero, it would most likely decompose before delivery.

She chose to let her pregnancy play out. I don't know if it is because of the doctrine of not killing, and not having abortions. But that is what she did. I don't pretend it is an easy choice. I myself could never have made that choice. I did know one woman who decided to abort by delivering her baby and seeing it alive. It lived a mere few minutes, and when they ruptured the sac and cut the cord, it died almost immediately. 

Cases like this remind me there is no inherent value to life. There is no inherent purpose. And forcing people to suffer out of superstition is wrong. In both cases, the women were advised to pray to see what god wanted them to do. Both of them thought their families were eternal and they would have their perfect babies in the world to come. And both of them went through traumatic experiences. And both of them were congratulated on their faith in god's plan. Neither one of them will live her life free of the pain and hurt this caused them, but they are both probably determined to endure it well thinking they will see their babies again. 

My grandma passed away two months after my grandpa. Alone in her room at the home. She was forced to live out the end of her life, lonely and sad, and physically deteriorating. My grandpa on my dad's side, was forced to live out the end of his life. At one point he shouted out that he didn't want to do it anymore, that he was dying. My amazing, strong, barrel chested Bumpa, was broken at the end of his life. And it was cruel. For a man who lived for the outdoor adventure of Alaska, I can't imagine how horrible that must have been. Not being able to have the use of your body. Your mind still sharp, but your body falling apart. But because our society is Christian, and we have superstitions about death and dying, he was forced to suffer to the very end. 

I hate the doctrine of enduring to the end. I think it is horrible. I think it is cruel. I think forcing people to happily bear their terrible circumstances to their very last breath is inhumane. I think its time we accepted the suffering of the world, without trying to justify in terms of deity. I hope we can get rid of the idea that certain things happen because god wants them to, or doesn't want them to. That when people get cancer, it's because of their body  not because god wanted to teach them something. That when a man is dying, we give him his dignity and don't force him to suffer. That when a woman loses her child, we don't torment her by making her think unless she is perfect she will never see her baby again.

It's time we stopped enduring, and started living.

9 Reasons why Mormons are Scary

You may have noticed by now that I have been an apostate for a couple years. And for good reason. Sure, it took me awhile to get to this point, because I was so trapped and entrenched in mind dissolving dogma, but I eventually found my way out. I understand that outside of the Mormon bubble, not many people know, or care, about what Mormons are or what they believe. That's awesome. I had no idea, I really thought Mormons were the end all be all, cure for humanity. And everyone who wasn't Mormon was miserable, even if they didn't know it.

So I thought I would compile a list for all you people out there who know nothing about Mormons to show why they are so obnoxiously scary.

(Disclaimer: this is of course not all Mormons. I will make generalizations to show overall attitudes that I have personally observed as a member and nonmember)

1. Mormons are obsessed with appearances

Mormons love to look good. They are obsessed with looking good in the public eye. When there is a famous celebrity who is a Mormon, they fawn all over them, make memes about them, have "I am a Mormon"₁ interviews, and tell all their friends, look so-and-so is a Mormon! 

Appearances also mean looking good yourself. For a Mormon, there is nothing worse than someone thinking badly of you. You have to suffer quietly. You can't draw attention to what might be going wrong in your life, because others might see it as your unworthiness or lack of faith. Mental illness doesn't exist. Marital problems are a myth. Cancer is just god's way of showing how much he loves you.

But apart from personal appearances, when someone with a loud voice turns against Mormonism, the members converge against them. They band together with a mob mentality to persecute and blame anyone who leaves the church. They gang up on anyone who says the church might be false. They cannot stand appearing to be false, they cannot stand being accused of lying. They go nuts! And they defend their dogma to a fault. They will publicly humiliate and scorn anyone who poses a threat to their church.

2. They always have an agenda

Mormons are famous for their proselyting. They send young men and women all over the world to share their message. But did you know they also have the doctrine of "every member a missionary"₂? That's right. They are all taught to treat everyone who is not a member as an investigator, or someone who could potentially become a member.

They are taught to be charitable and kind, not to show the world their problems, to always be an example of faithfulness, to thereby attract more people to the church. They say they don't have an agenda, but they actually do. They claim to have the truthfulness of god's kingdom, and their duty is to convert the whole world. Because "every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Jesus is the Christ"₃. There is no alternative.

So if you meet a Mormon and they are exceptionally kind, seem to have the perfect life, and want to be your bestest friend, know that their ultimate goal is to assimilate you. Because in their mind, there is nothing greater. They have scriptures that tell them they will be happy and more happy the more people they convert.

3. They are adverse to nonMormon information

Mormons are a funny group. They say the "glory of god is intelligence"₄, but have a very limited library to choose from. Church leaders have been censoring what information is available to the Mormon public since its inception. And because members believe their leaders are called of god, and counsel is given out of love for their protection, they don't question.

Information that is not Mormon promoting is called "anti-Mormon" literature. It is taught to be corrosive to the soul, detrimental to faith, evil in the eyes of god. I myself was very afraid to read anything about the church that was not published by the church because I thought it would invite Satan into my home. And Satan and his followers creeped the hell out of me. 

I eased myself into apostasy slowly, first by searching for the church's well-hid essays on controversial gospel topics. In fact, most members do not know these essays exist, and I've even been told they are anti-Mormon lit because of it. But no, the church put out essays addressing common doctrinal questions, like women and the church₅, blacks and the priesthood₆, the Book of Abraham₇, genetics and the Book of Mormon₈...etc. 

But because members will only read what is put out by the church, not google questions per the advice of leaders, only use Facebook to spread the gospel, and never question, they are stuck in a rut of "the church is true" and nothing will change their minds. Even presented with evidence showing they are wrong, they will find a way to refute it.  Or they will justify, equivocate, get defensive, and remind you they have felt the spirit bear witness in their hearts that they are right and you are wrong.

4. They ignore real problems

In conjunction with being obsessed with appearances, Mormons ignore real problems. Problems like mental illness, problems like equality, problems like tithing money being used to build malls, problems like members with questions being excommunicated. 

Utah, the Mormon Mecca, is among the top states for narcotic abuse, medicated depression, suicide, pornography use, and rape₉. The divorce rate is the same among Mormons as nonMormons₁₀. 

But all is well in Zion. Because the Mormon leaders have been hard at work building mega malls, investing in real estate, buying media outlets such as KSL₁₁, and teaching that homosexuality is a sin. In fact, for the longest time, it was widely accepted among Mormons that homosexuality was a choice, not a biological condition.

And now, when a Mormon says, "we don't hate gays", what they really mean is "we don't hate gays, we just don't accept them unless they are celibate, silent Mormons who don't work with the youth, don't act gay, and spread the gospel just like every other Mormon."₁₂ Because you see, being gay is just a biological side effect of mortality, it isn't who a person is meant to be in the eternities, so if they endure this birth defect well, god will take away their gayness in the world to come and give them a righteous spouse who wasn't lucky enough to be married in this life.

I'm sorry, but that is scary.

5. They aren't taught their church's real history

When I was a young Mormon, I was taught one version of the First Vision, or Joseph Smith's story about how God appeared to him. I was shown pictures of Joseph translating gold plates. I was taught he was unfairly jailed, and unlawfully persecuted. I was taught he was murdered for being a man of god. I was taught Native Americans came from the Middle East.

But I wasn't taught that Joseph Smith and his dad were treasure hunters₁₃. I wasn't taught he read the Book of Mormon out of a hat₁₄. I wasn't taught that he was jailed and murdered for destroying a printing press that printed a story about his polygamous habits₁₅. I wasn't taught he had 30 wives₁₆, some as young as 14, and mother daughter, sister sister pairs. I wasn't taught that the witnesses never actually saw the plates₁₇. I wasn't taught all 9 versions of the First Vision₁₈. I wasn't taught Brigham Young's Adam/God theory₁₉. I wasn't taught mitochondrial genetic heritage, and how the Book of Mormon claims are impossible₂₀. I wasn't taught how the president of the church stole the relief society's grain money in the name of god₂₁. I wasn't taught about conversion therapy for gays₂₂. I wasn't taught about the Kinderhook plates (counterfeits that Joseph translated), or Solomon Spaulding (who's book about Napoleon mirrors almost exactly the language of the Book of Mormon, but was written years  before), or the Book of Abraham (which is actually a book of breathings according to Egyptologists)₂₃.

Members are not taught this. They watch romanticized videos in Sunday school. They view historically inaccurate artwork (i.e. Joseph Translating actual golden plates). And if you  try to tell them this,  they say you have an agenda, that the information is anti-Mormon, and that you cannot destroy their faith.  They are so brainwashed, or insecure, or afraid, they won't even look to see if you are wrong. They just automatically assume that you are.

6. They judge everyone around them

Mormons like to say they don't judge, but oh do they. Let me tell you how. Mormons believe they have the whole truth in terms of religion. They way they turn this into something sweet, is by saying everyone else only has part of the truth. And it is their duty to "bring the world his truth"₂₄ as the primary song goes. 

Instead of saying they judge someone, they will say they are sad for them. Or they wish they had the gospel in their lives. Or they would make such a valiant member of the church. Or they could do so much good if they only had the gospel. To Mormons looking at everyone on the outside, they only see misery. Because no one can be truly happy without the gospel of Jesus Christ. They may not realize how unhappy they are, but that is because they don't know any better. And that is why Mormons have a conversion obsession, always trying to convert everyone around them.

They may say they don't hate gays, but they think they are wrong in their lifestyle. They may not hate feminists, but they know that is not what god has ordained for women. They may not hate other religions, but they know theirs in the most correct. They may not judge unrighteous people, but they know god will judge them for their sins₂₅.

7. There are only three kinds of people: member, nonmember, apostate

To a Mormon, there used to be only two kinds of people: Members and NonMembers. And more recently, a third has been added with the glory of the internet and social media: the Apostate. Sure, there have always been dissenters, since the early days of the church even, but now they have a loud and recognizable voice.

Members are god's chosen people. NonMembers are god's lost sheep and have the potential to be Members if Members fellowship them and they are humble enough to receive the good world. Apostates are the spawn of Satan who have tasted of the "fruit of the tree"₂₆ and forsaken their god. Apostates always have an agenda to tear the church down and destroy the faithful.

Unfortunately, apostates are just those who have discovered the true nature of the church. And even more unfortunate, they idea of "spread the good word" is so engrained in them from their Mormon days they can't help but share what they know. It's like the anti-testimony, you have to share it because you have been taught the more you do, the more it will grow, and the more it will touch the lives of others. As an ex-mormon, or Apostate, I can very much relate. I was devastated when I discovered my church was false. It was my whole world. It was my identity. And I was so committed to it, that now, on the other side, I feel the same sense of urgency, the same duty, to tell Members about what I have discovered. The problem is, being so entrenched in the doctrine, it is hard to listen to anything against the church. Which is why it took me two years to reason my way out of it.

8. Their leaders are infallible

This one is particularly scary. Mormons believe that men are subject to the flesh, meaning that they can make mistakes. But they believe that leaders are called and chosen of god for their faithfulness and ability to be true to the gospel. And with god as their constant companion, they cannot lead the members astray. Therefore, the leaders do become infallible to the members and they will follow them right off the edge of the earth.

Mormons will vote for who the prophet tells them to vote for. They will legislate the way the prophet tells them. They will shun who they are told to shun. They will only read what they are told to read. They will wear what they are told to wear. They will live where they are told to live. They will pay what they are told to pay.

Mormons follow the prophet to a fault. Including defending a crazy old man's rantings about how being gay is a choice, and god would never create a gay person₂₇. They believe when they are given misinformation about the founding members of the church, about the doctrine, about the evidence.

Joseph Smith is a godlike character to them, and while they say they don't worship him, a significant portion of there education curriculum is devoted just to him. And when bearing testimony, they will often recite the words "I know Joseph Smith was a prophet". They won't say "I know Joseph Smith cheated on Emma, I know he had a wife who was 14 years old, I know he destroyed printing presses and wasted gobs of the saints' money, I know he told different versions of his first vision, I know he used a rock in a hat to translate the Book of Mormon". 

And when a leader makes a mistake, there is always a nice excuse. But they are never, ever faulted.

9. They want a Mormon theocracy

The fact that Mormons want a Mormon theocracy is probably the scariest. Sure, if they want to remain in their own little cult bubble, that's fine. But most Mormons would be delighted at a Mormon president creating a Mormon government. Because they have the truth of course, and the world needs them to shine a light and make everything wrong right.

This could mean many things. For one, no gay marriage. Two, no abortions. Three, no ladies working outside of the home. Four, no tank tops. Five, no tattoos or body piercings. Six, no coffee, tea or alcohol. Seven, no business on the Sabbath. Eight, Mormon Creationism taught in schools. 

It would start small of course, because Mormons believe in agency, and all men making their own choices, "let them worship how, where or what they may", but eventually it would turn into large scale decisions for the greater good.

Mormon leaders historically have told members how to vote. Vote to keep prohibition. Vote for prop 8, vote for Romney, vote no for marijuana. Utah legislation has also most recently declared pornography a public health crisis, instead of addressing the problem of inversion and pollution. 

Would you want a president who prayed for answers rather than used evidence and advisors? Would you want a president who's religion and god came first? Would you want a president who listened to an ecclesiastical leader before anyone else? Of course, Christian America nods their head, with the little caveat of "well, if they were catholic, or baptist, or evangelical". Right? What is they were Buddhist? Or Hindu? Or Muslim? Would you agree then with their theocracy? Probably not.

Religion has no place in government. Government should remain religiously impartial. But Mormons would be tickled pink if a Mormon was elected president. That man, because it's not a woman's place to lead, would be called and chosen of god to redeem our fallen nation. In fact, Joseph Smith prophesied that Mormons would literally save the country from the brink of destruction.

And these are just a few of the reasons why Mormons are actually scary. 

1. I am a Mormon
https://www.mormon.org/people
2. Every Member a Missionary
https://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-david-o-mckay/chapter-6?lang=eng
3. Every Knee shall bow
https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/27.31?lang=eng
4. the glory of god is intelligence
https://www.lds.org/youth/video/the-glory-of-god-is-intelligence?lang=eng
5. Women and the church
https://www.lds.org/topics/mother-in-heaven?lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/topics/joseph-smiths-teachings-about-priesthood-temple-and-women?lang=eng
6. Blacks and the Priesthood
https://www.lds.org/topics/race-and-the-priesthood?lang=eng
7. Book of Abraham
https://www.lds.org/topics/translation-and-historicity-of-the-book-of-abraham?lang=eng
8.Genetics and the Book of Mormon
https://www.lds.org/topics/book-of-mormon-and-dna-studies?lang=eng
9. Porn use among members
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/705288350/Utah-No-1-in-online-porn-subscriptions-report-says.html?pg=all
10. Divorce rate
A 1999 study by Barna Research of nearly 4,000 U.S. adults showed that 24% of Mormon marriages end in divorce -- a number statistically equal to the divorce rate among all Americans.
11. Church media and other investments
http://www.ldsdaily.com/church-lds/follow-profit-guide-lds-churchs-profit-companies/
12. Church Handbook about gays
http://www.sltrib.com/home/3144035-155/new-mormon-policy-would-make-apostates
13. Treasure hunters
http://mormonmatters.org/2009/10/10/joseph-smith-treasure-seeker-or-prophet/
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2015/10/joseph-the-seer?lang=eng
14. Book of Mormon translated out of a hat
https://www.lds.org/ensign/2015/10/joseph-the-seer?lang=eng
15. The printing press
http://www.lds-mormon.com/06.shtml
16. Polygamy and Joseph Smith
http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2014/11/11/363324816/mormon-church-admits-founder-joseph-smith-had-up-to-40-wives
17. Spiritual eyes
http://en.fairmormon.org/Book_of_Mormon/Witnesses/%22Eye_of_Faith%22_and_%22Spiritual_Eye%22_statements_by_Martin_Harris
18. 9 first visions
http://cesletter.com/debunking-fairmormon/first-vision.html
19. Adam/god
http://mit.irr.org/adam-god-doctrine
20. Genetics and the Book of Mormon
https://www.lds.org/topics/book-of-mormon-and-dna-studies?lang=eng
21. Relief Society grain money
http://ordainwomen.org/how-mormon-women-were-correlated-out-of-lds-church-finances/
22. Conversion therapy
http://www.ldsresources.info/lds-reparative-therapy-studies/
http://religionnews.com/2016/03/17/mormon-statement-officially-denounces-abusive-conversion-therapy-lgbts/
23. Kinderhood, Solomon Spaulding, Book of Abraham
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1981/08/kinderhook-plates-brought-to-joseph-smith-appear-to-be-a-nineteenth-century-hoax?lang=eng
http://en.fairmormon.org/Forgeries_related_to_Mormonism/Joseph_Smith_and_the_Kinderhook_Plates
http://en.fairmormon.org/Book_of_Abraham/Joseph_Smith_Papyri
http://www.fairmormon.org/perspectives/publications/ask-the-apologist-solomon-spaulding-and-the-book-of-mormon
24. Armies of Heleman
https://www.lds.org/music/library/childrens-songbook/well-bring-the-world-his-truth-army-of-helaman?lang=eng
25. Final judgment
https://www.lds.org/scriptures/gs/judgment-the-last?lang=eng
26. Lehi’s dream
https://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/1-ne/8
27. Elder Packer’s conference Address
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/700072230/Mormon-church-clarifies-intent-of-President-Boyd-K-Packers-talk.html?pg=all

When it All Started to be Too Much

This is a letter from September of 2014, when my doubts were just getting to be too complicated and my letter of sincere questions to the first presidency went unanswered. I still felt like searching out for myself was wrong, so I went to one of my elders for help.

He had nothing but an apologist response, including saying the scriptures didn't really mean what they said. Or his interpretation for what it might actually mean.

Let's just say, after this last letter, I was fed up with church apologies and unanswered prayers, so I went to discover the answers on my own.

Hi Brother (Name Omitted),

Thank you again for chatting with me. I know a lot of these topics are not easily discussed among members, and it means a lot to have someone who will listen to me. I've pasted my questions to the email below.

For years I have struggled with the reality of the gospel. However, I put most of those thoughts out of my head, thinking they were bad, sinful, and just saying I didn’t have enough faith, and trying to do better. And no one will answer them for me. All those times I knew I was supposed to feel something, and I didn’t, and I forced myself to think I felt something, I can see now. Like my first time through the temple, I really felt nothing, nothing spectacular, just love from my family. But that same “tingly” feeling I will get when I listen to a live concert, and its usually stronger during the concert than church. So that makes me wonder about the biological nature of spirituality.

And now, for my questions. At least some of them

My first problem: my health. I received so many specific blessings, down to “this is the visit where you will meet the doctor that will heal you and you will be able to eat normally again”. Of course, they never happened. I still can't swallow. I received promises in my patriarchal blessing, specifically that I would serve a mission, that I would be very successful in my endevours, that my husband would come from a good background and want to be a patriarch to his family. None of those things came to past. I never served a mission, and with an exmorman husband, I never will. I have never been very successful at anything I have attempted. No, I have pretty much failed at every real thing I have tried, including being a wife an mother. I mean, in an LDS sense, I have failed them. I have one thing in my blessing that were it ever to occur, I would know immediately that either the church is false, or blessings mean absolutely nothing. Nick once gave me a blessing to have more faith in blessings; it was a totally unprovoked statement, I was just having pain issues after Tristan was born and he offered me a blessing of comfort and healing. And that’s what came out. I thought it was some sort of an answer. But how can you have faith in blessings when they have proven themselves wrong time and time again?

My second series of questions stems from external influences, not necessarily my own experiences or thoughts.

Evolution: Who were all the hominids before Adam and Eve? Were Adam and Eve just figurative representations of the God’s children, to make it easier to write about and understand? Did the beings before them not have spirits? Why do we have such concrete evidence for evolution and yet it is refuted by nearly every religion known to man? Science has pushed men forward, created new and exciting technologies and theories and possibilities. Religion holds men back in a cycle of consistency and repetition. It does not push forward, it does not make strides. It relies on always being the same.

Creation: Just how did this all come into being? Was there a big bang? Was there an instigator of that event? Based on celestial evidence we have before us, scientists have concluded there is no biological endgame, and no creator necessary. There is an end to what we can see in the universe, and we don't know what goes beyond it. Gravity exists, but we don't know why. But just because we don't know why, doesn't mean we insert a mythical or supernatural power.

Genetics: Joseph Smith made exact predictions about the ansestory of the Native American's. How come there is absolutely no trace of genetic evidence to support the Book of Mormon predictions about the ancestry of the Native Americans and Latin Americans? It takes hundreds of thousands of years for mutations in mitochondrial DNA to become significant enough to detect, and there have only been about 1,400 since they supposedly were wiped out. It is also very unlikely that every woman with Middle Eastern lineage would be unable to pass on her genetics, even if some sort of catastrophic event took place. If there was ever a migration from the Middle East to the America’s in the last 2,000 years, it would be detectible. We can trace mitochondrial DNA to a single Homo Sapien female that lived hundreds of thousands of years ago.  Every woman today carries this “Eve”'s genetics. There is also no physical evidence of the types of civilizations that the Book of Mormon describes. Anthropologists, even those in the church, admit there is no evidence. And the existing peoples today in that region have none of the workmanship, weaponry or craftsmanship described. Those things, being as technologically advantageous as they were (shipbuilding, sword making etc…) would have increased in complexity and been passed on.  Societies that did not have the benefit of being “God’s chosen” did likewise.

Physics: There are many instances in scripture that describe events that, according to physics, cannot take place. How then does God defy physics while also proclaiming to adhere to natural law? Gravity for instance is one of the most basic of these laws, and even the sun the moon and stars cannot escape it. The universe works and is according to gravity. The Red Sea parting, the Nile turning to blood, the world being entirely flooded, angels hovering above the ground, the resurrection.

Unchanged yesterday, today, and tomorrow: Why do we have two forms of God/Christ? The Old Testament version, and the New Testament version. One commands genocide, the murder of women and children, commands wars and destruction, while the other preaches tolerance, love, peace, meekness….how is that an unchanged deity? Why is it okay for a benevolent God to do as Zeus did? Not only that, but God talks about eternal progression, so it makes no sense to be eternally stagnant. So he cannot be unchanging. Especially when doctrines morph and change and develop at a similar rate with society.

Morality and Biology: Often times, homosexual individuals are dehumanized. In past society’s attempt to practice ethics, homosexuals were considered animals, vagrants, unclean, and above all not capable of “real love”. In my experiences, I have found homosexuals to be people just like me, with hopes and dreams, likes and dislikes, personalities, achievements, and disappointments. How is their biology of any less worth than mine? In the temple, couples are commanded to multiply and replenish the earth. Do we shun a woman because her biology prevents her from having children? Am I unworthy because my biology makes it nearly impossible for me to eat the way the word of wisdom instructs? No! Because it’s a physical problem, and we would never belittle a childless woman or someone with an eating disorder. And yet we call people with biological tendencies to homosexuality unclean and a perversion of nature, and that their sexual happiness is less significant than heterosexuals. Why?

Hypocrisy: The church is fraught with hypocritical individuals. Of course, this is no reflection of gospel doctrine, except in its influence on the individual. Everything is left up to an individual’s interpretation of reality, and so much of what is taught and practiced in the church stems from individual ideals and ideas. For instance, one bishop might drill a young teen boy in graphic detail about his experiences in masturbation, while another might not visit the topic at all. And there are members who drink McDonald’s Frappuccino’s before a session at the temple. There are others who preach love and tolerance and then condemn the sinner. Why does God say, thou shalt not kill, and then commanded Nephi to kill Laban? Seriously, he could have taken the plates without taking his life. They were leaving the area permanently, and Laban was drunk (delivered into Nephi's hands by God, so God had Laban get drunk?) so he wouldn't have known what had happened the next day anyways. God commands murder.

Word of Wisdom: Why have only three things been chosen out of the word of wisdom to keep us out of the temple? Coffee/ tea, alcohol and tobacco? (It really only says hot drinks, so no hot chocolate, or cider either? No warm milk? And cold coffee and ice tea are okay?) It also states to not eat things out of their season, to rise early, to exercise, to eat meat sparingly. We don’t keep people out of the temple for being gluttonous lards that pig out on steak and sausage, play video games and sleep in. But we do if they have a cup of tea. Coffee is recommended for persons with a family history of colon cancer to help maintain better colon health. Red wine is beneficial to heart health. Tea helps boost metabolism and has other great medicinal properties. We are counseled not to participate in drug use, yet after having worked as a CMA, I met countless LDS people addicted to lortab, methadone, morphine, torodol, demerol, percocet, etc. Is this bad? No, it comes as a prescription. So could I get a coffee prescription for my colon health and not be kept out of the temple? I would give the percocet addicts their monthly prescription after they freaked out at me on the phone about needing it immediately, and see them in the temple that same weekend. Why does a doctor's not all of a sudden negate what God has decreed? It shouldn't, but it does! So the word of wisdom is subjective, and problematic.

Marriage and Sealings: I know there has been a lot of talk about polygamy. Honestly, to  me it seemed like a political perk for members higher up in church leadership. Why has it been said that members were not required to enter into polygamist unions, and that women had a choice to marry and divorce, yet some women felt they were forced into it? And why when women were “allowed” to decide if they wanted to participate in polygamy, was Emma Smith chastised and reprimanded for not wanting her husband to participate in polygamy? Why did God say He would give Joseph wives and children galore and Emma would miss out on everything just because she wasn’t comfortable with it? Why did other women have a “choice” and she did not? And why were young, very young, women sealed to much older men who were already sealed to other women, including Joseph Smith? And why was he sealed to women who were married to other men? It was a bigamy fest! And that was already illegal in the United States, and yet Joseph Smith wrote Articles of Faith proclaiming that we adhered to the laws of the land. He was eventually murdered after a lawsuit for shutting down a printing press that printed an unfavorable article about him and polygamy. Why is that not taught in Sunday School? 

Arrogance: The LDS church proclaims to be God’s true church. Probably as much as the Christians in the dark ages who went to wipe out the scourge of the unbelievers and Jews in the holy lands. The church says that cultural practices that are not in accordance with God’s laws must be amended. The church goes throughout the world eradicating cultures that have been present for hundreds of thousands of years. There is a sacred fire that burns in India. It has been keep burning for a thousand years. It was supposedly given to man by the Gods.  Is it not idolatry? And where is it a church’s place to say that fire should be put out? Christian supremacists against the ethnics and uncivilized of the world. Why does every man have his agency, to do what he will, living in the life which is a time to prepare to meet God, yet God can wipe out whomever whenever He wants?

Family and Kingdoms: It is taught that family is the most important unit of the church, and can continue in the next life. However, this is only possible if we make it to the highest degree of the celestial kingdom. All other kingdom’s inhabitant’s are sentenced to an eternity without family relationships. How does this make sense, especially when we are afforded these relationships in this fallen, imperfect, less than telestial glory world? Why would God allow us to exist here in the companionship of families and then remove us from them after death if we are not in the top 10% of perfectly obedient individuals to His laws? It doesn’t make sense that an eternal Father would deprive His greatest creation, His children, of the love and security of one of existence’s basic necessities. Why tease us with this life and then go, oops, you weren’t perfectly obedient, you made a booboo here and there, guess you can’t be with your mommy and daddy for the rest of your eternal existence. That sounds like hell.  And I can understand why so many people simply embrace no life after death, because the thought of not being with the ones you love is unbearable. And it doesn’t make sense that God would send his children to a place where he knew ultimately, the majority of them would fail. That’s kind of like turtles and their eggs; what, God had so many kids hoping that their high numbers would yield enough of a result to perpetuate deity’s species? I thought he was more invested in us than that.

Women: Why the inequality of the sexes? It is disguised as “different roles for equal genders”, but in all actuality, at the end of the day, it is a man’s world. Men ultimately lead the church, lead the family, while women “support” their husbands and leaders. It even states that in the temple. Why don’t men give themselves to women, yet women have to give themselves to men.  Why are women expected to nurture children, when sometimes, men can be just as great at it? Why are men able to act in the power of God, and women cannot? Why do we worship God the Father as a male? Why was Christ male? Why is gender so eternally important, yet men and women are not that different biologically. I recently learned that if you give a woman testosterone, she develops male genitalia. All vertebrates are inherently female until the receive the right developmental hormone to make them male. It seems that women are merely a supporting role throughout existence. As a woman, that is degrading and offensive. I have a mind, I have neurons and brain tissue the same as any man, I am capable of deep thought, I am capable of strong actions. Yet the gospel tells me I am a “help-meet” not a free agent unto myself. I cannot be celestialized without a man. And I guess in all fairness, he can’t without me. But men are the one’s destined to be creators and worshiped deity, while women occupy the silent supporting role. Everything about our current worship in this life indicates that, why should I assume any differently of my eternal future? Why is women’s eternal gender destiny to be a male’s subject, eternally producing babies that will ultimately fail the test of their eternal existence? What about the mere difference in our genitalia makes women the supporting role? Why is eternity an extension of male supremacy? What if I don’t want to be birthing babies for eternity? What if I’d rather be painting, or writing poetry, or baking cupcakes? Is there no art in the eternities? Are we merely product of evolution, trying to pass on our genetics, even there?

Eternity, Agency and Omnipotence: Everything that is, is, and will be, no matter what. The universe is infinite, so we are infinite, and we exist infinitely. And we always have and always will. To suggest that God knows everything, what everyone has done and will do refutes the concept of agency and also means he is infinitely knowledgeable. It's impossible. Because he would just be infinitely learning infinity. Nevertheless, supposing he is all knowing, how can we be free agents if our actions are predetermined? We say we do not believe in fate, yet fate it is when we are unable to escape what God already knows we are going to do. And if there is no agency, how can there be objective morality? If we are predestined to do whatever it is we are going to do, how can it be objectively immoral if we were always going to do it anyways? How can morality be decreed by a God that always knew we would be immoral? Sounds a bit unfair. But then you say that is where Christ comes in with His atonement. Even then, agency has no place, because God always knows if we will repent or not. How are we “give the opportunity to choose” what we would have always chosen? And how does eternity work? If eternity means infinity, means forever, than in forever there exists an infinite amount of infinity. Meaning, I exist infinitely, you exist infinitely, as there are infinite numbers between 0-1. And since matter is neither created nor destroyed, how can “not a single hair of the head” be lost when the molecules and atoms used to make my biology probably were the same ones used to create someone else’s’ body who lived before me, or perhaps who lives now? How then is the resurrection possible? Setting the obvious physics aside, we all share atoms. We are share bits and pieces. So you get your original body composition in the resurrection, but I have to borrow parts from another galaxy? Then it isn’t a true resurrection, because I am not truly restored. The concept of biological eternity also is inconsistent with what we understand about evolution. Things die. It is how evolution continues. So is our concept of eternity skewed by God because we are too finite to grasp it? Is there really an end to us after all, it just is eons away?

Please help me to answer these questions. I would rather ask a member of the Quorum of the 12, or the First Presidency, as opposed to going online and researching it out for myself. Because I know the answers I will get if I do that. I just need to reconcile these problems I can't get past.



And then, I found the CES letter.....

A Very Insensitive Question

Me on my baptism day

One of the most insensitive questions you can ask an exMormon atheist is this:

"Did you ever believe?"

followed by the close second:

"Did someone offend you and cause you to leave the faith?"

Now, I understand these questions aren't necessarily asked in malice, but when a person is ignorant of why most atheist's do not count themselves among the faithful, the questions come across as very mean.

The first question assumes the atheist never was a person of faith. Some people never do have faith in the traditional sense; they are not brought up religious. But certainly, this question is not typically addressed to those kinds of atheists. It is normally asked to someone who has consciously chosen to leave religion.

I believe church-goers resort to this question out of anger, sadness or misunderstanding. They can't really comprehend why someone would chose not to believe, and therefore they must not have been very faithful to begin with.  This makes the believer feel better about their faith, thinking the atheist may have only made a half-assed attempt to find god. And of course, with such a poor effort, was ultimately seduced by the devil.

The second question assumes that belief is based on comfort. And if someone finds themselves uncomfortable, offended, or mistreated by believers, they will toss their faith aside like an upset child. This is probably more offensive than the previous question because it assumes that the atheist didn't reason their way out of religion, but was a brat about it. Like leaving the playground because someone wouldn't let you use the swings. Again, I think this question is asked because people can't really comprehend a world in which god doesn't exist. And therefore, a person must leave religion because they were offended by the imperfect members.

In my case, both of these questions have been followed up on occasion with encouragement to find god on my own, and not rely on others to bolster up my faith.

Personally, as an exMormon woman, these questions are incredibly offensive to me. I may have always had questions about my religion, but I was 100% a believer. I loved the idea of an eternal family. I wanted to become a God in the hereafter. I loved to read the stories of the Book of Mormon. I enjoyed very much going to church, singing in sacrament meeting, organizing activities for mutual and participating in roadshows. It was fun to get cookies and have chats with my visiting teachers. I loved teaching primary children. Sunday was an excuse to dress up and feel special. I absolutely loved preparing and giving talks. I was never, not once, offended. I may have felt uncomfortable once or twice during an off-color talk or testimony. Every ward had its weirdies.

I felt peace praying. I may not have ever gotten "answers" per se, and I realize now my peace probably came from being able to take a moment to relax and meditate, but I thought I felt the spirit. I got the typical warm fuzzy feelings during "spiritual" moments. And my experiences in the temple, at first, were wonderful. 

No, my path out of theism did not stem from a lack of belief or trivial offense.

There were some big things that influenced me, and they included:

-Discovering the dark parts of LDS church history.

-Realizing human agency and godly omniscience were not compatible

-Realizing the role of women in the LDS church is misogynistic

-Reading about ethics and philosophy, including how feelings cannot indicate truth

-Understanding modern science at time contradicts many of religion's claims
-Understanding homosexuality is natural and not a sin

-Discovering the LDS church is a cult

These are the things that led me away from religion.  It was thinking, and reflection, and study that caused me to lose my faith, not being offended. Some may counter that perhaps my faith never really was strong enough, and when the rain and winds beat upon my house the sandy foundation crumbled. If that truly is the case, then I look at that as a good fortune, because it took me two years instead of five to reason my way out. 

How can an omniscient, omnipotent god possibly exist? How can a personal god exist, one that loves each person and answers individual prayers? This is impossible, and the philosophy of the problem of evil addresses it in great detail. An all powerful, all knowing god cannot coexist with wars, starvation, poverty, abuse, sadness, and for lack of a better word, evil. Some may say, but god has given us our agency, and therefore cannot interfere. This is an oxymoron,  because an all knowing god would know already what we are going to do in our lives, and therefore the concept of agency cannot possibly exist. There is no free choice if there exists an all knowing being who ultimately decides our eternal fate. And as an all powerful being, he can refute any law he wishes, particularly if he is the so-called author of the universe. 

Do I absolutely say a god cannot exist? No, I have no proof one does not exist somewhere, but I certainly claim that a personal loving god does not exist. 

When my husband began questioning the church after a course in philosophy at BYU, I began to study more in depth the history of the church to which I belonged. I of course kept it secret from everyone around me, because I feared retribution. I continued to live my covenants. But as I started my investigation, it was clear that it was going to be a messy one. First, I read official essays from  the church, which led me to church apologists. Which led me to discovering Joseph Smith never translated the gold plates, that he has wives as young as 14, and that he was murdered for destroying a printing press that printed an article about his nasty polygamist habits.

I discovered the Book of Mormon was essentially written by three other men in the tradition of author Solomon Spaulding. And that the Book of Abraham wasn't translated from papyri. I came to terms with the fact that LDS women are treated chauvinistically, and that temple ceremonies are misogynistic. I cried the last time I did a temple ceremony, because listening to the words, I realized Mormon women are actually eternally second class baby makers.

President Hinckley declared a counterfeit "artifact" a real relic from the Nephites. There was numerous anthropologic expeditions to find remnants of the Lamanites, and all were futile. Genetic evidence did not support Book of Mormon claims that Native American's are Nephites and Lamanites from the Middle East. The story of the creation and Adam and Eve is impossible, because the earth is more than 6000 years old and modern humans evolved, they were not poofed out of dust. There is genetic and geologic and anthropologic evidence to support this. There is no evidence for anything in the poorly written Book of Mormon. 

So when I discovered my beloved religion was false, and my personal god was impossible, I was devastated. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. I tried for an entire year to reason how it was still possible, but I simply couldn't. Reality and religion did not mesh. They didn't not work together. It was like desperately trying to prove there were fairies in my backyard. It was like trying to convince myself there was a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 

I was an adult living in a child's fantasy. And every time I said I felt it was true, I realized my feelings could not make anything true. I could feel like it was raining when the sun shined, but it never meant it was raining.

With my eyes opened, and the Mormon rosy glasses removed, I began to see more of the atrocities of religion. And how angry members are to "apostates". And how controlling the leadership is, telling members not to use google and sever ties with those who have left. The concept of tithing the poor for the construction of mega malls and temples as well as the unfair treatment of gays in particular sealed the deal for me in removing my name from the Mormon church records. I wanted absolutely no ties to an organization that worked so tirelessly to harm innocent people based on their sexual orientation. And that was so successful in convincing women they were responsible for men's sexuality and inherently submissive in nature to men, deferring to their husband eternally before god. It all seems wrong, it all felt wrong, and ultimately I realized how much harm it had done to me, and it pains me to see it harm the people I love.

These are the reasons I left religion. These are the reasons I am an atheist.

So please, before you assume someone was offended or never truly believed, take a moment to consider that they simply have discovered god does not exist, and that it was difficult for them. Do not dismiss their experience to make yours seem more authentic.