No, I Was NOT Offended

A popular notion in the LDS church is that people leave due to offense, or hypocrisy. There is a story that is told in Sunday school and Sacrament meetings about two women in the early days of the church. The full version of the story of Thomas B Marsh can be read here: http://emp.byui.edu/satterfieldb/quotes/ThomasBMarsh.htm.

The moral of the story ends up being, you shouldn't leave the church because someone offends you. People are human and imperfect. The gospel isn't.

A lot of members seem to think those who leave do so because they were offended. Or they didn't like the hypocrisy of members. Or they thought the leadership had problems. Or they weren't adequately fellowshipped. In short, they had a bad experience in the church which lead to their ultimate dissociation.

And here's the kicker for me. I was not offended.

Nope. I actually had a very good experience. With the members at least. I don't think anyone ever treated me badly. Sure my visiting teachers were flakes, and my home teachers never really came around. But to be fair, I wasn't the best visiting teacher anyways. Nope, I liked getting dressed up and going to sing hymns. I even liked answering questions and teaching lessons. Wasn't much for public praying, but I did like going to church.

When my husband starting questioning, I was overcome with fear. Even though I had questions too, my upbringing taught me to put them on a shelf and ignore them. There were things about the church I didn't like, but I had come to terms with the fact that God made the rules, and I had no say in it. When I couldn't keep the questions on a shelf anymore, I first sought answers from the church and it's members.

Here is where things got nasty. Now, in my experience, as long as you are a good member, a good sheep, everyone is nice to you. The minute you start to question, a figurative A gets painted on your forehead and you are labeled apostate. Maybe not explicitly, but you are viewed differently. Everything you say is offensive, or apostate, or sign seeking. It's hard to discuss questions with avid members of the faith because they are afraid of them. They are conditioned to be. "Only read from the best books". "Do not engage in anti-Mormon literature or media". "Are you a part of any organization in direct conflict with the teachings of the church?" It's very much a matter of fear and control. The minute you start to turn away, it gets ugly.

So no, while I was a believing member, I never had a bad experience. Not to say that's the case for everyone, but it was the case for me. I didn't leave the church because I was offended. I left the church because the gospel didn't make sense. The teachings were paradoxical and immoral. The god that I was taught existed was unethical. Women were treated as inferior and second class (they will tell you this isn't true and defend it to the death). But in a patriarchal organization where women are put on a pedestal, but counseled to stay home and have children, not given church wide leadership positions of authority, not allowed to hold the priesthood, and forbidden to participate in church finances, I think that speaks for itself.

What's most difficult for me now, is how I am perceived by people who are still in the LDS church. I am lost, I am a sinner. I left because I was offended, or I left because I wanted to sin. I am a weak link. I was easily overcome by the devil. I lost the spirit. I stopped doing the things that were important. I was seduced by the lies of the world. My children will suffer for my mistakes. My family will be in a constant state of sorrow over my lost soul. I will always be seen as the lost sheep, or the "maybe" prodigal son. It's depressing.

What I would love more than anything is to share my experience with just one member of my family who will look at me and say, "ah, you might be on to something here." But none of them will. It leaves me feeling very alone, isolated, outcast. Especially when I think of how they perceive me. "We love you" translates into "we love you because we have to, but we don't approve, we are disappointed, saddened, and upset".

One thing leaving religion does is make you realize you do things because you want to. Not because any supernatural force compels you to, but because you want to. I love my kids for the sake of loving them. I help someone in need not for the promise of heaven, but because it brings me happiness. It all becomes very different when your motivation is yourself, and not an unseen god who promises heaven to the faithful and damnation to the weak.

But no, I did not leave to sin. I did not leave because someone hurt my feelings. I let because I saw through the lie. And my integrity wouldn't allow me to live it any longer.

The Thing That Got Me Thinking

Disclaimer: Most of this is my own opinions and feelings, I am not a scholar, but I do like to think.

This is the first in a series of posts where I will discuss some of my thoughts on leaving religion.

About this time last year I was spending a lot of time on Netflix. My subject of interest? The Amish. Why? I could relate to the people leaving.

I was feeling very alone. Very ashamed. Very confused. For several months I had been wrestling with questions. Some that I had in my youth, some I had run into as an adult, as a wife, as a mother, as a woman in this country. No one had answers for me. None of the people I trusted to know. They had excuses, they had platitudes, they had no idea. But it's okay, they told me, God will reveal all things to us after this life.

It wasn't enough. The god I had been taught exists said he wouldn't keep things from anyone. He'd reveal the truths to the penitent, to the humble, to those truly seeking. Never before in my life had I been caught in such a vice. I found myself on my knees every night. I had an ongoing dialog with a god I couldn't see, from sunup till sundown, cooking dinner, taking a shower, watching Glee. It never ceased. But it was very one-sided. I never felt anything that I didn't create myself. I had no visions, or ah-hah moments. No feelings of peace or satisfaction. Just confusion and betrayal. I was doing everything right. Fasting, praying, studying. Asking my parents, my bishop, my home teachers, I even wrote a letter to the First Presidency. No one could help me.

Fueled by a desire to prove my husband wrong, I found myself researching these difficult questions on my own. But the more I researched, the more I began to see, I was wrong. And I never thought I was. I never opened up myself the possibility. I decided it was time to start looking for the answers to the questions I had been afraid to ask.

And this was the thing that got me thinking. If god loves me so much, why did he let me marry a man who would fall away? Which led to, what is agency? As taught in the LDS church, agency is the gift to act of your own free will. To make choices. But, god knows everything. The Bible and the Book of Mormon are clear, god is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent. He sees all, he knows all, he is over all. He has a hand in every event, he has a plan for every individual, and nothing goes against his plan. Trials are the refiners fire. God doesn't give us what we can't handle. God knows us and knows what we will do. 

So, what is this agency? How can any person presume to think they are in control of their own destiny when god knew all along what they would do? And this god, knowing what we would do, created the rules that would ultimately put us in heaven or hell. His hand in all things guides us to our ultimate demise or exaltation. Wait, what?!

The moment this dawned on me, I remember feeling sick. Heavy, like a huge weight had just fallen on top of my head. It was too much. God was responsible for everything. God was responsible for people going to hell. God allowed murder and rape, god sanctioned murder and rape. It's in the Bible! Agency meant god valued a person's right to assault a child over that child. But it also meant that god allowed that child to suffer, and put that person who assaulted them in hell. Even though he knew it would happen, did nothing to prevent it, and made the rules that would ultimately decide the eternal fate of both parties.

How can we believe in such a cruel deity? Who stands by and watches violence, deceit, war, starvation and abuse? We use tag lines like "god doesn't give us more than we can handle" and "god is in charge of our destiny". So god gives little boys rape? And god gives rapists their victims? Clearly, they both needed it. But some things you can't come back from, or repent from, and for those things, you end up in eternal damnation.

It is wrong! The god the majority of Christianity believes in is immoral, he is unethical, and he is a pervert. He sees everything? Then he is the biggest porn addict in the universe! And what's worse, he does nothing to stop it. And he thrives on it. People who are succeeding don't need god. So he relishes in failure, in defeat, in pain, in anguish, in abuse. And his favorite thing to reinforce: it is your fault. This is on you. You need to change. You need to repent. He makes the sins, and he makes the way to repent from those sins. Hmm.

Once this settled, I was able to examine other things. Like how god views women. Or other races. Which is inferior. How god commanded murder, and genocide. How he essentially committed statutory rape of an under age, unmarried minor in a patriarchal society who's practice was to stone unmarried women with child. He killed countless Egyptians to make a point to one man. He commanded his chosen people to kill every man woman, child, infant and animal (whilst the virgins could be acceptable spoils of conquest). He allowed the torment Job to teach Satan a lesson. Anyone ever wonder about Job's wife? Or his kids? Did they have any say in what happened? It sounds to me like the lesson of agency was lost in that story. Or Esther? They were commanded not to marry outside of the covenant, and yet she was told by god she was supposed to. Abraham, after years of wanting, finally had a child. God commanded him to kill him and then said, oh, just kidding! What a traumatic experience for father and son! Just to teach him a lesson? God killed every living thing on the planet in a flood! God told Nephi in the Book of Mormon to murder a defenseless drunken man lying in the street so he could steal a book. People! Wake up! This is the god you believe in! The one you pray to to find the right pair of shoes or to help pass your math test. This is the god you believe will heal your cancer, or turn your child back to the light. This is the same god who, according to scripture, has murdered, toyed with, and damned regular people like you and me. 

This is just one thing that I was finally able to think of and come to terms with:  the Christian god is not good. When I realized that, I felt like a part of me had died. I felt so lost and alone, like all those hours spent praying were the wasted hours of a crazy person talking to an imaginary friend. If you could call such a god a friend. A  being who healed the Christian doctor who was infected with ebola, but not the child he was caring for. Who's prayer was answered? And why? And why is that right?

There is so much more than this, but this was the starting point for me. Maybe it can be for you too.

Make no mistake, losing religion isn't easy. Leaving it is even harder, especially when it is so close to the ones you love. Which is why I identified with the Amish so well, leaving Mormonism. It's devastating. It's sad. It's heartbreaking. Often times, people like me are painted in a poor light. With associations of "she wanted to sin, she is proud, she is a know-it-all, she hates god for some reason". No, that's not it at all. I simply started thinking about some of these issues and found that as I did, logical things became clear. And I even wondered how I couldn't see it before. Do not make the mistake of labeling those who have left the faith as "sinners" or "offended" or "lazy". If anything it is more difficult not to believe. 

Thoughts of the Ex-religious

I've been struggling with this for some time now. I know many readers will view this negatively, or as a cry for attention. I'm going to try my best to keep it from going that direction. The fact of the matter is the things I'm going to discuss inherently will cause some anger in persons of certain viewpoints, and I can't help that. But, I will try and remain impartial and objective when stating facts.

I was born into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. For many years, it was the epitome of my identity. While I found myself constantly questioning things I thought were wrong or contradictory in the doctrine, I reminded myself god would tell me everything once I died. I didn't need to know now.

In recent years, my life experiences have taken me away from the church. Many of my past friends and even my family view this with sadness, anger, disappointment, judgement, and pity. Perhaps not always intentional, but it is a mind frame that is hard to escape. They tell me "we love you", but I know what they are actually thinking, because I once thought it too. I'm a lost sheep, I've left the straight and narrow, I've become prideful, I've forgotten what the spirit feels like, I've stopped doing the things that would build my testimony. Trust me, I know all of them.

I had a friend from my young woman days who left the church shortly after I was married. I thought those very same things about her. I even attacked her on her Facebook wall, asking how she could consider herself a good Mormon, behaving as she was. Asking what had happened to make her hate god? In a recent conversation, I apologized for my despicable behavior, now understanding exactly where she was, and wondering how I ever considered myself Christian. And the answer surprised me.

I was a good Christian. In every sense of the word. Because it's just that, Christianity teaches it's followers to be inherently judgmental, to be inherently homophobic, to be inherently misogynistic, and to be inherently condescending and very easily offended. To take ideas personally, to make character attacks on those who may disagree. To turn things personal and use circular arguments that place blame and very hurtful accusations on the person they are offended by.

Here is an example. I was advocating for sex education in public schools with someone I know, because they had posted a meme stating people who believe in sex ed and who give out contraception have no business being educators. This person accused me then of sleeping around with anyone I could find. It completely didn't make sense for them to say that, and it was very hurtful. They then said all cultures have a form of morality and consider abstinence to be the best. I contended that politely by saying some cultures even dedicate and entire day to swinging, in a ritual that takes place after drought, where they set aside their marital vows and take a new lover. This person asked how my new life was working out for me, so confused, I asked what they meant. They then inferred I personally was a swinger. Do you see how hurtful and off the wall accusations like this are? Though it seems to be the way most religious, particularly LDS, people react to things they don't agree with. I posted an article advocating for abortion rights, and gave my reasoning. I was told by another person that I was a bad person because I would have an abortion. I had never said that, and I personally wouldn't. But I understand where and why it is necessary.

It is wrong to assign blame and to make assumptions of people just because they are no longer religious. Or because they never were religious. Morality does not exist solely on the basis of religion, and does not come from deity. Morality is fluid, and varies from culture to culture. Morality is a code of ethics developed by individual societies to allow groups of people to function in harmony. So yes, in that sense, there are certain things that are "universally" accepted. But to assume a "godless" individual is amoral is wrong. And to treat them as though they are amoral is wrong.

In my experience, I've received the most contention and anger from people who consider themselves religious. They become very passionate, and sometimes in all capital letters, assert that they will stand for their beliefs and I can't sway them. They turn the blame towards me when I engage them, saying I am being condescending for stating my ideas, and rude for refuting theirs. They will not listen because I have nothing good to say, and then it ends with them pitying me and calling me a know-it-all for trying to say why I believe what I do, or no longer believe what they do. It's a catch-22. No matter how kindly you approach the subject, it's always taken with great offense, and therefore inherently ends poorly. It is because religious people do not separate themselves from their beliefs. So they take it all personally.

A past LDS leader said “If we have the truth, it cannot be harmed by investigation. If we have not the truth, it ought to be harmed.” – President J. Reuben Clark. So if they are so confident in their beliefs, why are they so defensive? Why will they not even allow themselves to listen to evidence contrary to their beliefs? Why will they not seek it out themselves and make an informed decision as to whether they will believe or not? I understand completely why. It has to do with fear. Fear of losing the spirit, fear of disappointing god, fear of not being with your family forever. The LDS church is very much full of fear. "Pay your tithes so you won't be burned at the last day". Don't be the weak link in the chain, be modest or you will cause men to have bad thoughts and want to take advantage of you. It's all based on fear! What kind of a church keeps its members out of fear? A cult. It pains me to say it, but the LDS church operates very much like a cult. And it's members defend it as a cult, even to the point where they will not listen to anything anyone has to say about it. I know, for me it was very hard, even though I had always wondered about certain things, to actually take the first step and examine them for myself. Its scary. It's painful. It's lonely.
Eventually, people you thought were your friends will treat you differently. Family members will stop talking to you, or about you. You will be the object of prayer and fasting, but never pleasant conversation. You will become a "taboo" subject as one person told me. I couldn't believe that. I was told they no longer talk about me or what I am doing. I'll tell you what I am doing. I get up in the morning and feed my kids breakfast. I answer emails from my photography clients, walk the dog and pick up toys. I'll wash dishes and fold the laundry. Maybe I'll watch an episode of America's Got Talent or Project Runway. Then at the end of the day, I'll make dinner, get my kids ready for bed, and spend an evening with my husband. But all of that is "Taboo" to talk about because I didn't pray, I didn't read scriptures, I didn't do visiting teaching, I probably drank a cup of coffee, and I might have thought a swear word or two. Religion is so good at being an exclusive members only country club, and very good and shunning, shaming, judging, hating and blaming.

I asked a church member how they dealt with scriptures that talked about god commanding murder, like the story of the people who were wiped out, including men, women, children, suckling babies and animals. They told me to pray for peace to be okay with it. I literally wanted to tell them they are nuts if they expected me to pray for peace about baby murder. Especially since they claimed to be "antiabortion". I asked another what they thought about Joseph Smith marrying multiple young women, some as young as 14. They responded it was natural for the time. It wasn't, it was abnormal. Polygamy was illegal, the age of consent was 15, and young girls were marrying young men, not older men. They maintained it was normal for the time, because that is what they had been taught. I asked a member how they got past the fact that the book of Abraham was actually an Egyptian burial text, even though Joseph Smith said he translated it literally by the power of god. They repeated what elder Eyring said, it was just there to awaken the idea for Joseph. I asked another member if they knew the temple ceremony mirrored the Mason Lodge rituals almost exactly, and that Joseph Smith had been a Mason. They said god revealed the fullness of the ceremony to him but he needed to experience it firsthand as a Mason. I asked why god told Nephi to kill Laban for a book, when he could have dictated the scriptures to Nephi to rewrite, or because Laban was drunk he could have snuck the scriptures out. Why did god have to command Nephi to kill someone? Why are the writings of Isaiah in the Book of Mormon word for word out of the King James version of the Bible (a book that has been translated and retranslated)? Why is there absolutely no genetic correlation between the peoples of America and the people of the middle east that would link them together within a timeframe of 1400 years? Has anyone ever thought what a mockery and injustice it is to the indigenous people of America to make up a history for them? That's like calling the story of King Arthur or Frodo and the Ring the literal history of the people of Great Britain!

And worst of all! They way religion, LDS particularly, treats women, treats homosexuals, treats different races. It's horrible! There were camps and programs to turn gay men straight. Church leaders past said black men and women would never be exalted, but serve as ministering angels to the gods. Women are still treated as "equal" lesser members who can't govern themselves and are body shamed, career shamed, and sexually shamed. I grew up wishing I had been born a boy because I hated the role that was eternally waiting for me. I also hated the prospect of being a multiple wife. I hated the way LGBTQ people were regarded, as if they were vile sinners unworthy of being called human. I hated how black people were said to be the descendants of Cain, and that their skin color was a curse. Holy cow, how ignorant is that? I hated how Native American's were "becoming fairer skinned" because of their righteousness. What a load of poppycock! Skin color is based on evolution and genetics, not subjective worthiness!

Bottom line? I don't want to pray to this kind of a god. I don't want to know if this kind of god exists. One that will turn my family away from me for thinking differently. One that will damn gays to hell for loving the way their biology functions. One that will say women and dark skinned people are less than white males. One that will shame women who medically need an abortion but condones the mass genocide of innocents. One that will impregnante a pubescent virgin (who would have been stoned if she were discovered) to give birth to a son who would eventually be brutally murdered because I drank a cup of coffee. One who professes agency exists, but is omniscient and omnipotent and therefore the ultimate reason any of us would be damned anyways. Its basically, "play by subjective rules and I won't lock you in hell". "There is only one way to get to heaven, and it's my way". Hmm, that sounds oddly familiar if you are LDS....Satan anyone? But it's okay because god said it? How many of you parents of kids plan on forcing your children to become lawyers your way? By going to one university? But studying at a certain time of day? Is there really only one way to become a lawyer? And are any of them objectively more correct than another? And if so, tell me objectively why?

Religion breeds hate. Religion breeds fear. Religion breeds. And breeds and breeds. And tries to shame and stifle anyone who wants to escape or stand up for anything different. And is so blind it can't even see what it is doing! Can't even see how much it is hurting the people around it who are just trying to live! Members give countless hours, days, money, and resources to a church that builds lavish temples in starving third world countries. That constructs giant malls with stores 99% of their membership can't shop in. Demands 10% of the income of the destitute and welfare recipients. It's sick. It's wrong. And I am relieved to say I am no longer a part of it. I urge you to look closer at the church you belong to, and ask yourself, is it really worth it? To free yourself of the fear and look at the facts. To not be swayed by anecdotes that say doubt is bad and faith is good. Doubts and questions have brought us to where we are today. You wouldn't be able to be reading this on a computer or a smart phone if people hand't questioned.

But most of all, don't let your religious ideals become who you are to the point that you ostracize the people you should love. Life is short, and life is precious. It's not worth it to remove people from yourself based on unseen deity and unevidenced promises of eternal life. Think about that the next time you tell a nonreligious family member they are taboo and call them an offensive know-it-all for basing their ideas in what is accepted reality. That is all.

Attack of the Theist

I think differently.

I have different opinions.

I don't agree with some people.

Am I allowed to talk about it? Share it? Be passionate about it? Why not?

Ever notice how theists have a strange double standard about sharing beliefs and what is sacred? They become to angry and defensive when anyone says anything that might contradict, mock, or challenge their faith. And yet, demand ultimate and complete respect for what they say about non believers (sinners). I just don't get it.

Do I consider myself an atheist? No. Because I still hope for a deity and a life after death. So I guess I'm more of an agnostic. Kind of on the fence. Because I like things about religion, and I there are some things I don't like. I believe in being kind and charitable to everyone, for allowing everyone to share what they believe and live the way that makes them happy. But to do so without fear and without judgement.

Coming from a very religious background and family, it is very difficult to openly share what I believe without making them uncomfortable or upset. They resort to attacking my character, saying that I am openly mocking their faith by sharing what I think. They delight in misinterpretation, or misconstruing what I mean. How dare I say something that would belittle their sacred religion? It becomes very hard to be honest about what I think because I'm always so scared of offending them, and opening up a theological airstrike all over my Facebook page. I can't say anything that I feel or believe, even as civilly as I do, without them coming after me. And yes, I admit, I do become equally nasty when someone attacks me as a person. Attack my ideas fine, but don't attack me.

So tell me, is this what religion teaches? To publicly scorn people who think differently? To bring people down by attacking who they are as a person instead of their ideas? If it is okay for someone to "Defend" their beliefs, why am I not allowed to do the same thing?

I have never, not once gone onto one of my religious siblings walls and attacked their beliefs as they have so publicly done about mine. I have posted a total of two things to share my opinion. One of them I removed because of how ugly it got, and how embarrassed I was that my friends would see my family treat me the way that they did. The second one, I merely said I thought a bolder move by the church would have been to not excommunicate a member for "apostasy", but again, people got defensive, twisted what I meant, and attacked my character. Is this truly what religion teaches you to do?

And then I realized, yes it is. Part of religion is about shaming a person into repentance. You are a sinner, imperfect before God. You must repent of your wrong doings and come unto God. You must defend your beliefs, even if it means hurting those closest to you. Because in the end, if you lose your family, it doesn't matter. All will be made well in the eternities, and God will reward you for hurting someone you should have loved, because it was in his name, and lets face it, for their own good.

Do you see how religion can be a very ugly thing?

I am very passionate about what I believe, and I am going to keep sharing it. Because I hope, just as any theist hopes, that what I share will have an impact for the better. If I were sharing negative things about Warren Jeffs, of course people would agree with me. But his followers would be mortally offended, and they would say to me, you cannot shake our faith, because we know he is a prophet. The problem is, every religion feels that exact same passion. And what they don't realize, is those of us who don't believe, or don't believe fully, are just as passionate.

I believe the unfair treatment of women in theology is wrong. I believe the unfair treatment of homosexuals, and in the past, different races, is wrong. I believe that excommunicating a man for his beliefs, while totally up to the organization, is counter productive. And I am going to share it. I don't understand how me sharing what I believe is any different than religious people sharing what they believe. There is just such an arrogant attitude of "we are right, you are wrong, you offend God" among theists, that they will use empty rhetoric to tear you down for sharing your belief because it contradicts their own. They will attack opposition to their faith wherever they can, even if it means harming someone they should love.

I am embarrassed about my family's (certain members, not all) conduct. And I am saddened by the nasty, snarky, arrogant personal messages attacking me as a person, and saying that I am the one in the wrong for sharing what I believe. I am saddened by the untruths and lump statements used to misinterpret what I am saying, or to accuse me of something I haven't said at all. They keep tacking on, but it's up to you, you can believe what ever you want. Except, I can't share it, because if I do, I know the reaction I will get. I have to be secretive about what I feel. I can't be open about it. I can't discuss it. I can't be honest and seek support. Because then I might offend someone. Do you have any idea how lonely that feels? To feel completely ostracized from your own family because you don't think the same way they do?

One family member even went so far as to say I continually post anti religious things on my FB wall (pretty sure she meant my husband, but is so indoctrinated into the church's teachings, she assumes I do his bidding??). I do not. If you need proof, scroll through my profile, you will find one, about John Delin. And it was not rude at all, it was  very neutral!!! The only controversial things I post are about vaccinations! VACCINATIONS! Because I think kids should be vaccinated. Good Lord people, actually read what I'm posting before you accuse me! I commented on two friends posts that were gay bashing. TO DEFEND GAYS! How is that wrong?? Holy crap, am I just blind and stupid, or is it actually wrong to discriminate?? (In the name of religion yes, which is why doctrine of the church used to state "The Negro may make it to the Celestial Kingdom, but as a ministering angel in an eternal servitude to his God". Messed up, right?? )

And guess what? Theists offend me! And the only time I have spoken up is when something was particularly harmful, like telling gays they can't live in certain homes or purchase from certain businesses. That is wrong, and I'm going to say it. And I know some people aren't going to like it. But I am trying to change that, I am trying to fight for the rights of all people to live happily and not be afraid to be who they are of share how they feel. Religion doesn't allow that. It doesn't allow you to think for yourself. You have to believe what the leaders say, you cannot question. And if you do, you will be publicly humiliated, shamed, and eventually expelled if you do not shut up. But it will all be turned right back on you, telling you are in the wrong, you are the bigot, you are the one humiliating people, you are the one causing harm. It's funny, because you are also the one that was attacked.

I'm not going to shut up. In the words of Tracy Edna Turnblad: Things need to change. And I won't stop trying to change them.